The best-worst job ever!

When I first started writing it was because I had this story and these characters in my head and I felt it necessary to get the story out. I wrote for me, for fun and for something to do. When I decided that hey, I had something that others may find worth reading, I thought, why not? Why not publish it? See what happens, maybe I might even make a quick buck or two. It will be fun... maybe I could sell like 50 ebooks... imagine if someone says 'hey I like what you wrote'. And then I would be like 'thanks' collect $2 and that would be all. Job done. Fun had. Move on.  

I was so wrong!  Being a 'self-published author' is nothing like that.

Being an 'author' means...

• Waking up early with some new scene for your book and practically running with your eyes half-closed to get a piece of paper quick-smart before you forget
• Getting angry at the computer for telling you your sentence is fragmented and you should consider revising
• Going out of your way to help bloggers and authors because you love it and are passionate about this indie author world
• No longer believing in good karma
• Submitting and re-submitting your work because Smashwords says you hit return one too many times somewhere in there
• Stressing over the margins in your paperback and getting the page numbers to look right, then after 11 tries to submit to CreateSpace forcing yourself to walk away before you smash the computer
• Spending hours, upon hours, re-reading, re-editing, and re-writing your work only to find out after you publish that it says 'met' where it should say 'meet'
• Realising it's dumb to stress over one word
• Stressing over that one word constantly even though you know it's too late because the paperbacks are already ordered
• Believing in good luck
• Staying up all night just so you can make sure that you don't miss that important post that was promised by a blog in a completely different time zone on the other side of the world
• Getting frustrated and angry when that post doesn't come
• Sitting at the computer at 3am struggling to get a review posted for a fellow author because you promised you would get it done
• Playing on Facebook at odd hours because that's when the 'traffic' is at it's highest and you need to involve your 'fans'
• Realising you don't have 'fans' just people that liked your page to enter a giveaway
• Having your ego boosted by bloggers that are 'excited' about your work and are willing to bend over backwards to help you out... for all of five minutes until the next shiny author comes along and you are forgotten
• Getting bombarded by messages on your phone beside your bed, when you should be sleeping, from a reader who loves your book and has to tell you right away but soon forgets all about you, and your book, when the next shiny author comes along
• Getting signed up for a cover reveal or a review and then being forgotten on the day because, you guessed it, another shiny author has come along
• Being so caught up in what you're doing that you realise it is past dinnertime and you haven't even thought of what you are going to cook until your child comes up beside you and says 'I'm hungry'
• Spending hours offering advice to newcomers to the indie author world when you really are only telling them something you have just learnt yourself
• Getting the kids off to school, saying to yourself 'I'm going to write today' opening the file for that WIP and then spending the next six hours at the computer doing everything but writing and then closing that file to pick up the kids from school again with not one word written
• Releasing a new book that everyone is 'waiting for' only to make 3 sales on the first day
• Watching a debut author you've never heard of get 500 ratings within two days, when you only have 1, and have now made 13 sales
• Getting invited to online blitz parties and then no one coming to yours
• Crying tears of joy for that amazing 5 star review that you cannot believe someone just wrote about your book!
• Crying tears of sorrow when you get a 1 star rating for a book you haven't even written yet!
• Looking at hot men on the internet for 'research'
• Spending hours trolling the internet looking for that perfect picture of the character you made up in your head so that you can create a graphic teaser of your work to entice readers
• Getting excited when an author you admire says they are going to read your work
• Shitting yourself because an author you admire says they are going to read your work
• Getting depressed when an author you admire never speaks to you again
• Sending that teaser graphic you spent hours creating to every blog you know for them to share and get the word out
• Seeing that teaser on only one blog and thinking 'why did I bother?'
• Watching your husband vacuum around you because you are 'working' and thinking 'wow he really understands'
• Feeling incredibly guilty that your husband, who has a full-time paying job, is vacuuming around you while you 'play' around on the computer
• Trying hard to concentrate when your child is excitedly telling you a story about their day when you are really thinking 'I have to email such and such ASAP...'
• Stepping away from the computer for a few hours and then finding that in that time you have had 15 new emails, missed 9 new conversations in that group you love so much, 3 chat messages from people needing info from you and only 16 people have viewed that teaser you posted on your page and worked so hard on
• Seeing a bunch of new likes on your page and thinking 'wow there must be some sort of buzz happening about me or my latest book' and then realising 'no, they just want to win a kindle in that giveaway you forgot about'
• Getting super-excited when a big blogger says they want to read and review your book
• Getting depressed when you never hear from that blogger again
• Finally taking some time out from 'authoring' to read that book everyone is raving about
• Reading that book and finding that you cannot understand what they are raving about when you think yours is better
• Trying desperately not to get jealous that the author everyone is still raving about is getting all the attention, and attractive posts on blog pages, and is rating so well on Amazon, and you are still not even getting a response from that blogger who said they were going to read your book and haven't, and you are currently sitting at about 100,000 in the ranks on Amazon
• Rarely having time to read
• Rarely having time to watch TV
• Not being able to concentrate on reading or watching TV in those rare times, as you are still too busy thinking about 'work'
• Not getting paid for that 'work'
• Raving like a lunatic on a blog about all of the shit you cannot stop thinking about
• Relief knowing that out of the 39 people that follow that blog probably no one will read this post anyway
• Depression that you have had this blog for how long now?  And you still only have 39 people following
• Falling in love with the characters and the stories in your head
• Feeling like they are real and a massive part of your life, that they are people you know
• Getting surprised when the story heads in a direction you didn't see coming
• Feeling crazy because you have pretend friends that you made up and yet you are somehow shocked at what they do... how does that even make sense?  Crazy!
• Being sad when readers interpret your book in a way you didn't think they would and see those characters you love so much in the wrong light and not the way you intended
• Loving how much someone loves your character!
• Arguing with bloggers and readers about who loves your characters more and who can keep them - again with the crazy
• Thinking 'I'm a genius' when you come up with that perfect line for your book
• Knowing that no one will ever agree that you are a genius
• Getting delighted that someone wants to pay for a signed copy of your book
• Receiving payment for a book because you have written one and they want your scribble inside it
• Realising that the $3 dollar profit you made on your signed paperback has now turned into a $12 loss because Australia Post decided to put up their price for overseas shipping in the time it took for your books to arrive from the other side of the world
• Getting excited to bank your first royalty check
• Realising that the royalty check doesn't even begin to cover all of your costs
• Realising you have spent the past six months working almost 24/7 for no pay
• Holding that paperback in your hand and realising that is all the payment you need
• Holding the latest bill in your hand and realising it's not
• Smiling like a fool in the line at the checkout when you think of something funny your character just did
• Smiling even bigger when you realise that the person serving you has no idea just how fabulous that character is
• Feeling like a fool because that character is not real and you are crazy and now the person you are grinning at thinks so too
• Getting stopped in the street by someone who 'cannot wait' for your next book
• Getting an email from a reader who is dying to know how much longer they have to wait for your next book
• Getting excited to actually have fans
• Getting disappointed when the next shiny author comes along and they love their books more
• Getting stopped by an 8-year-old in the school grounds who says 'my mum is reading your book'
• Getting worried for the reaction of that mum
• Wondering if your readers think you are writing from experience or imagination
• Worrying that they believe what they have read to be real
• Feeling like a desperate stalker when constantly asking for readers to leave a review
• Being on a high when they do
• Feeling like you actually have a career, even if it doesn't pay
• Being hopeful that one day it might actually pay enough to at least reimburse you for your expenses
• Realising it is now after midnight and you are still yabbering on about all this crap that no one is interested in and won't read
• Worrying that they will and then they will all know that you really are crazy
• Putting yourself on the line everyday
• Hiding behind a computer
• Thinking people understand you
• Knowing that they don't
• Making friends online and having the best LOL moments with people you have never met because you have a booky connection
• Knowing that if you did meet them you probably wouldn't have anything to say
• Seeking approval from friends and family and hoping to god they don't think your work is based on real-life
• Getting sad when you know they aren't really interested in reading your work anyway
• Worrying about what people will think of you when they read your work
• Hoping people will think better of you for reading your work
• Knowing they probably won't look at you the same way
• Having tremendous support from other authors and bloggers, at least until another shiny author comes along
• Trying to write the book people want
• Knowing you have to write the book you want
• Writing what you want, be damned the consequences
• Worrying about the consequences
• Knowing that you have the best-worst job ever and you cannot see yourself quitting any time soon
• Wanting to quit nearly everyday

*Disclaimer - none of this is about me of course.  And if you have made it through this extremely long post, please comment so that I know that you know that I'm crazy.